Safety First/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: There's a mistake in The Howler. Lacey Burrows: Ah, it happens once in a blue moon, actually once in a moon. It happens several times over the course of one non-blue moon. Brent Leroy: What's it say? Are we at war with Switzerland again? Hank: No. In the horoscope, it says Virgo is born in August and September. But that's not right because I'm a Virgo and I was born in October. Brent: There goes their Pulitzer. Lacey: I hate to say it, but The Howler's right. Virgo, August 23rd to September 22nd. Through some quirk of statistics, they've stumbled upon the correct dates. Hank: But that means I'm not a Virgo. My whole life I've had the wrong personality. Lacey: Ah, we knew it was somethin'. Brent: See, now here is a mistake. Is there such a thing as a Sagitemini? Lacey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah, come on, you can't quit. Who'll bus the tables? Josh: That's all you see me as, a busboy? You don't know that I've always wanted to work on a llama farm. Lacey: Yeah? Well, be careful. They bite your fingers off. Brent: Well, that's not gonna work. Danger's part of the allure of llama farming. Lacey: Did you know he wanted to work with llamas? Brent: I didn't even know he could talk. Emma Leroy: I don't know why we can't hire somebody to fix the roof. Oscar Leroy: I can do it myself. It's just a roof. It's not rocket surgery. Emma: At least get somebody to help who knows what he's doing, instead of Dorkus. Davis Quinton: Hey, these kneepads are like hats for little elves. Emma: When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important. Oscar: Davis is a good man. He knows what he's doing. We make a hell of a team. Davis: Ready to go, boss? Oscar: Just follow my lead, Jackass. Lacey: You made your own colouring book? Karen Pelly: Percy Pedals. It's a bike safety thing for kids. Emma handpicked me to do it. Emma: Could one of you do the bike safety colouring book? Davis: Yeah, get Dorkus to do it. Karen: Who put you in charge of this, anyway? Emma: The mayor picked me. Fitzy: Could one of you old ladies do the safety committee thing? Mertyl Runciman: Get Dorkus to do it. Wanda: Aww. And you got kids to draw it. That's so cute. Karen: I drew it. Wanda: Oh. I just thought it was kids 'cause it's terrible. Lacey: I think it's good. It's good. It, it, it reminds me of that artist, uh, um... Brent: Beethoven? Lacey: He was a composer. He couldn't draw. Brent: Exactly. Wanda: Geez, Lacey. Why are you roasting Karen? Karen: Help me out, Brent. You can draw. Brent: I don't know. Karen: I, I've written the words, I just need the pictures. I can't do this myself. Wanda: She really can't. Brent: Okay, pass me that pencil. I'm on the job. Lacey: This is exciting. Wanda: Yeah. I've never seen him do any work around here before. Oscar: Now, listen up. Roofin's a serious business. On the ground, you're the law, but up here, I'm the law. Davis: What do ya mean on the ground I'm the law? Oh, right, 'cause I'm a cop. But if I had a police helicopter and landed on the roof... Oscar: Just do what I do. Davis: Got another ladder for me to knock over? Brent: Hey, throw me the idol, I'll throw ya the whip. Wanda: Double scorch. Brent: Hey, you got a big brain, you're always trying to sound smart. Wanda: Trying to sound smart? That's a pedomorphic invective. Brent: Isn't it, though? Does this make any sense to you? First Karen has the talking bicycle out on the highway and then all of a sudden it's in the playground. How did it get there? Wanda: Teleportation, wormhole? Brent: A bicycle that can teleport? Far fetched. Wanda: But a bike that can talk, you're okay with that. Brent: Well, it has mouth. Lacey: Can I get you a coffee, sir? Oh, sorry. You're Hank. Hank: Oh. It's okay. I wouldn't recognize me either. I'm, uh, reinventing myself, down to the bedrock of my personality. Lacey: So no hat? Hank: No, no. I tried wearin' a different one, but it was no good. Wanda: Hey, any luck finding the Temple of Doom? Brent: Hey, throw me the idol, I'll throw ya the whip. Wanda: Double scorch. Hank: Libras are, uh, industrious. I wanna be more industrious. Lacey: Hmm. Hank: I'm lookin' for a job, and somethin' professional, you know, economist, somethin' like that. Lacey: My busboy quit. Hank: That's rough. But can we stay focused on my problem? Lacey: I need a new busboy. Hank: Why are ya tellin' me this? Lacey: I'm offering you the job. Hank: Oh. Davis: How long do you think we'll be stuck up here? Oscar: Stop blubberin'. You'd think you've never been stuck on a roof before. Davis: I have never been stuck up on a roof before. Oscar: So, watch and learn. I've been stuck on roofs, believe me. Davis: Oh, I believe ya. Oscar: Nice clear day, though. Davis: Yeah, you can see all the way to the ladder you knocked over. Karen: Hey, Wanda. How are Brent's drawings coming along? And be honest. Wanda: The drawings are good. What you wrote is sorta crap. Karen: Crap? Well, what sorta crap? Wanda: The crappy kind, if you'll forgive my pedomorphic invective. Karen: I didn't know you were having medical problems. Emma: How's this working out? Lacey: Pretty good. Actually, he hasn't set fire to the kitchen and it gives me a chance to get some paperwork done. Emma: Who would have thought? Hank's capable of basic menial labour. Hank: Hey, that's not fair. I, I can do more. Lacey: Well, okay, Hank. Here is your chance to shine. Here are the books. Now, go put them on the shelf until I can do them later. Hank: I'm totally wasted in this job. Lacey: He's adorable. Hank: Wanda, help me balance Lacey's books so she'll take me more seriously as a busboy. Wanda: No. Was there something else? Hank: Maybe. I'm in over my head with this busboy stuff. It's too technical. Hey, you know is Brent lookin' to hire someone here? Wanda: Leave the books with me. Hank: Thanks. Karen: Wanda, you were right about the colouring book. Help me write it? Wanda: Uh, um, I'd like to, but I... Karen: Aw, thanks. Wanda: This sounding smart thing is backfiring. Emma: Why don't you jump? Oscar: We could hurt ourselves. Emma: Why don't ya jump? Davis: Please let us down. It's cold and I'm hungry. Emma: Did you at least get the job done? Davis: No. Oscar: It was Davis's fault. He created a hostile work environment. Davis: You kicked over the ladder. Oscar: Ya see, full of blame. Straighten out and fly right. Davis: Please let us down, Emma, please. Hank: Hey, Lacey, I balanced your books. Lacey: Well, they didn't make it to the shelf. But nice try. I sorta hired him for a lark. Fitzy: There must be a couple hundred numbers here. I'm impressed. Hank: Hey, ya hear that? The mayor's impressed. That's a feather in my cap. Lacey: Yeah, except for now ya don't wear one. Hank: I never wore a feather. She's crazy. Fitzy: We've got a provincial audit coming up. How would you like to come work for the town? Hank: Me? Lacey: I don't think Hank would want to... Hank: I'm in. Fitzy: Let's talk. Lacey: Typical Libra, no loyalty. Oscar: Okay, it was embarrassing. Davis: It was very embarrassing. Oscar: And after some soul searching, maybe I do share in the blame. Davis: A hundred percent share. Oscar: I'm trying to say I'm sorry. Davis: All right. We got job to do and roofing waits for no man. Oscar: Put 'er there, partner. Davis: I hate you. Oscar: There's someone. Why don't you call? Davis: I'm not calling. It's too humiliating. Oscar: It wouldn't be so humiliating if you didn't go straight to begging. Please let us down, Emma, please. Davis: It's nice to say please. It's the magic word. Let me give ya an example. Oscar, please don't knock the ladder down, twice. Oscar: I said I was sorry. Davis: Please. Hey, there's someone else. Why don't you call? Oscar: No. It's too humiliating. Hank (phone): Wanda, help me balance the town's books. Wanda (phone): Forget it. Hank (phone): They're gonna find out I'm a sham as a civil servant. Wanda (phone): You were a sham as a busboy. As a civil servant, you're more of a fraud. Hank (phone): Listen to me. I got a new life now. I can't go back to hangin' around Corner Gas talking to you all day! Wanda (phone): I'll be right over. Wanda: So, uh, what do you think of Karen's rewrites? Brent: It's better. Wanda: You know, actually, they were written by... Brent: It's a bit pretentious. Wanda: That's Karen for ya. Karen: You think my book is pretentious? Brent: Yeah. You know, kids love to pretend and this great for that. It's pretend-tious. Lacey: Oh, hello. Come to gloat? Hank: No, to eat. Lacey: Oh. You are enjoying this, aren't you? Hank: Not really. Josh: Can I get some more coffee? Lacey: Oh, go farm a llama. Karen: So are we done here or what? Brent: Yeah. I just have a few little quibbles. Karen: Quibbles? Brent: Yeah. Like I'm not crazy about this line here. Karen: "Always wear a helmet." Brent: It comes across as bossy. Karen: It's a law. Brent: Well, I just don't think Percy Pedals would say that. Karen: Well, strictly speaking, he wouldn't say anything. He's a bike. Brent: A bike with a mouth. Also, kids love to colour things red. So could we work a fire engine in? Karen: Oh, okay, time out. Let's get one thing straight, Quibbles. This is my project. You're just the draw-er. You're not getting paid to think. Brent: I'm getting paid? Karen: No. And you're especially not getting paid to think. Wanda: It's a good thing I had my window rolled down or I wouldn't have heard your shrill girl-like whining. Davis: Not girl like. It was masculine whining. Oscar: Pathetic! You have a lot to learn about being stuck on a roof. Davis: I'm getting a lot of practice. Oscar: Sorry for the trouble. The greenhorn panicked. Davis: Hey! You're the one who knocked the ladder over, twice. He knocked the ladder over, twice. Wanda: Yeah, well, shout it from the rooftops. Oh, wait. You already did. Fitzy: How's it goin' with the books? Hank: Good, yep. I was just visualizing. As you know, uh, accountancy is, uh, 90% visualization and 10%...well, it's 90% visualization. Fitzy: FudgeePuffy? Hank: No, thanks. I got pop rocks. I picked the wrong day to quit. Lotsa pressure. Wanda: You wanted help? Hank: Here are the books. Lacey: I tell ya, bussing is hard. I have always brought people plates full of food. But then to get the empty plates and bring them back, you really have to reverse your thinking. Karen: Anyway. Emma, Brent and I are sort of at loggerheads. Brent: We're not at loggerheads. Wait a minute, does loggerheads meaning fighting? Yeah, we're at, we're at loggerheads. Karen: Creatively we don't see eye to eye. He's got this crazy fire engine idea... Emma: Fire engine, huh? Kids like to colour things red. Brent: They do? Lacey: Done with your cup? Ah. See? I think I'm getting good at this. The food comes in, the food comes out. It's like the tide. Brent: The tide just took my coffee. Emma: Put your differences behind you. This is about your words and your pictures coming together to create pictures with words under them. Karen: That's very philosophical. Emma: Well, I read a lot of those Chicken Soup books. Karen: You need to rewrite your rewrites on the colouring book. Wanda: Oh, I don't know. I got, I got a lot on my plate. Karen: All right. If you're okay with people thinking your writing is bland and flat. Wanda: Who said that? Karen: Kind of a general consensus. Wanda: Well, I had a lot on my plate. I could make that thing a literary opus. Karen: Yeah. Opus it up a bit. Davis: I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday. I mean, sure, it's frustrating getting stuck on a roof when someone else knocked over the ladder. Oscar: Sure. Davis: And then you call for help... Oscar: Whine for help. Davis:...and you get made fun of, even though it's not your fault. Oscar: Yeah, ya did look pretty stupid. Davis: But, hey, these things happen. Oscar: It's a learning experience. What did ya do that for? Davis: To see how you like it. Brent: This is way better. I can tell you put a lot of work into it. Karen: Oh, well, I'm a perfectionist, a workaholic. Brent: Now the fire engine doesn't come out of nowhere. It's much more organic. Karen: Yeah. I really struggled with that. I used index cards and everything. Hank: Are you two still draggin' your heels on that colouring book? Just get it done. The mayor's office is very interested in bike safety. Brent: Are you okay, Hank? Hank: Lotsa pressure. Poprocks, please, grape and pop can, can of pop. Karen: Poprocks and pop? Won't that make your stomach explode? Hank: Live free or die. Where's Wanda? Brent: She's supposed to be serving you poprocks and pop. She's off shirkin' her workin' somewhere. Karen: Lazy Wanda. Wanda: That's the last fiscal year, and these are the projections for next fiscal year. Hank: Okay, great. Got it. What do you mean by fiscal? Wanda: I gotta go lie down. Hank: Too lazy to answer a simple question. Oscar: Last time I go up on a roof with you. Davis: Suits me fine. Lacey: Hey, are you guys okay? Davis: I don't know. Are we? Oscar: We're fine. Just takin' a break. Lacey: Because it looks like your ladder's knocked down. Oscar: We're not stuck up here, if that's what ya mean. Davis: That's just our backup ladder. Lacey: Really? 'Cause I could just pick it up. Davis: Leave it down, please. Lacey: Okay. As long as you're fine. Oscar: Couldn't be better. Lacey: Or weirder. Auditor: I think we should get right to the audit. Hank: Absolutely. Here are the books. I think you'll find they're very fiscal. I've, uh, prepared them in a fiscal manner and I'm sure you'll be satisfied with, uh, the fiscallyness. I'll be over there. And if you have any questions, I am a Libra. Auditor: Do I smell grape? Brent: Wow. You know, Mom was right. You put pictures and words together, you really do get pictures plus words. Karen: Your fire engine looks good. You said you can't do hands, but you can do hands. Brent: Well, I can do fire engine hands. Ted: Are you done with these cups? Lacey: This is my new busboy, Ted. I, I realized that it would be better for me if I just hired a full-time busboy. I, I, I don't have what it takes. But it's okay, because I'm, uh, still a good person. Ted: Can I have your fork? Karen: I'm still eating. Ted: I'll wait. Oscar: Help! Help! We're stuck on a roof! Davis: How do you like it now? Oscar: You're stuck up here too, jackass. Davis: And it's my fault. I'm stuck up here on my own terms. Oscar: Hey, there's, uh, Emma and Wanda. Emma: This colouring book is taking forever. I want you to write it. Wanda: No, not again. I mean, full plate. Emma: Full plate. If you're too lazy to do it, just say so. Davis and Oscar: Help! Help! Wanda: Are Oscar and Davis stuck up on the roof again? Emma: Is who stuck on the what? I have no idea what you're talking about. Auditor: These books are a disaster. First they make sense, but then they get sloppier and sloppier. And there's some gibberish about a bicycle. Hank: Wanda. Auditor: My name's Steve. Fitzy: I sort of hired him for a lark. You're fired. Hank: Can I have a FudgeePuffy? Fitzy: FudgeePuffies are for closers. Brent: It's pretty good. It gets a little weird where it goes off into the cost breakdown of bike accidents over the last fiscal year, but somehow it works. Karen: Ah, I like to push the envelope. I'm an envelope pusher. Emma: What the hell is this? Brent: What are ya talkin' about? It's Percy Pedals. Wanda: A rollicking opus? Emma: Yeah. But all the bike information is wrong. When you come to a four-way stop, you're not allowed to just slow down a bit and go through. Wanda: But that needed to happen to set up the subplot with the stepfather. Emma: And this fire engine is scary. Wanda: He represents death. Hello? Karen: Ah, that explains the black wings. Emma: I'm sorry, I can't print this. Brent: But, but it's so organic and, uh, opus-y. Emma: And wrong. Brent: All the work for nothin'. Karen: Oh, well. It wasn't that much work. Wanda: I gotta go lie down. Brent: Check out Lazy. Brent: So they can just sew fingers back on, huh? Do you have feeling in them? Josh: I'm in constant pain. Aa-ah! Lacey: Oh, sorry. Brent: Nice to have you back. Hank: Llama farming. Man, life is too short for that kinda high pressure gig. Brent: Born again Virgo. Lacey: Now don't dismiss being a busboy. It takes strength, foresight, balance... Brent: Fingers? Lacey: Maybe I should just get paper plates. Emma: This is ridiculous. Come down. Davis: No. Oscar: It's a protest. You wouldn't let us come down when we wanted to come down. So now we're not comin' down until you apologize. Davis: We can wait all day. We have sandwiches. Emma: I hope you have a lot. Davis: Some nerve. Oscar: Yeah. Ignoring our cries for help, when we're trying to get roofing done. Davis: Yeah. I guess one of these days we should get a start on that, huh? Oscar: It's hard to make the time. Category:Transcripts